“I want that! That! I said I waaaant it!" the little boy shrieked, pointing and kicking.
"Sorry, Stevie. You can't have the toy if you are going to throw it," my friend Kathy said quietly. "If I can just get through the terrible twos," she moaned as she tried to calm her toddler's rage. "It's easier after that, right?"
I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth: Someday all those unbearable tantrums she complains about today will seem "cute" when she's facing her teenage's problems of moodiness and anger. Although it will seem to her like only yesterday her son was crying for his toy, suddenly he will be holding out his hand for the car keys.
Toddler Parenting Can Affect Teenagers' Behavior
Seeing her calm, firm stand when her toddler misbehaved, though, I had hope that she wouldn't end up in the same dilemma as Eileen, one of my 10th-grade student's moms. Her son was continually driving home drunk and worrying her to death as she waited to hear her car pull in the driveway. When I asked Eileen how her son kept getting the keys to her car, since clearly he was behaving in an irresponsible manner when he had them, she answered, "Well, I give them to him. Otherwise he gets mad at me..."
Somewhere between Kathy and Eileen lies the vast sea of disciplinary decisions not to be navigated by the faint-hearted. Parents who are timid about disciplining toddlers will face a much stormier sail when those children reach adolescence. The thing to remember is this: your child will be disciplined. If not by you, then by his social groups as he grows older. Wouldn't it be kinder for you to teach him positive social interaction skills before he learns the hard way on the playground or on the highway?
Play to Your Advantage
One thing that holds parents back from discipline is that they believe they have to work for their child's love. This just isn't so. Children always love their parents, even when they are "mad" at them as toddlers and claim they "hate" them as adolescents.
Parents can lose this amazing advantage, though, when they work too hard to gain what they already own. They do this when they try to make a friend out of their child by pleasing her and giving in to all her demands. Parents who fail to stand up for their own values in the face of media hype, peer pressure, children's tantrums have lost the battle before it begins.
Reward the Behavior You Want
The infant's desire to control becomes stronger the older she gets. She learns that cries of protest and need have a pretty good effect and uses them often; but she soon discovers that a cute smile or slobbery kiss will also get her the attention she craves.
Parents can make a conscious effort to reinforce such positive behavior. They can comment on how well a child is playing alone, stop to play with her and let her know her good behavior attracts others to her. They can also anticipate and give attention to her needs before she begins whining and crying.
Use Discipline to Forge Secure Bonds
Discipline can actually strengthen a child's sense of security, both at home and at school. A child who is allowed to become a little tyrant at home will eventually suspect she is an unlovable person, even though she wields a lot of power. She may fear that her parents don't really like to be with her and only meet her needs because of the turmoil she causes.
On the other hand, when parents refuse to tolerate negative demands and ugly behavior at home, they teach their child how to treat others with respect and courtesy outside the home. Parents who think discipline seems "unkind" should realize that it is much kinder and more tactful than what the poor child will hear from peers at school if she continues her unpleasant behavior there. There, she may learn the hard way to treat others with respect, because they will demand it.
If Not You, Then Who?
Kids who are not disciplined at home eventually start searching for people who will act on what they say they believe and who will follow through on both promises and threats. They test every adult authority figure they meet, hoping to find one who will not disillusion them-who will provide a baseline for absolute values they can build their lives upon.
Too often, they find this security in gangs and cliques. Although these groups may appear to offer life "on the wild side," in reality they provide the most inflexible discipline and values a child can find. Only one kind of dress, talk or behavior is acceptable; and if members say they will punch you "if you do that again," they will follow through.
A child can find the security he craves from negative peer groups, but how sad for parents when he finds it outside their sphere of influence. You can avoid this dilemma by using loving authority to establish a secure home base. Being "tough" today can save your family a lot of heartache in the future.
Pat Matuszak is a free-lance writer and former teacher from Muskegon, Michigan.