Question:
My 3½-year-old daughter has a "best friend" in her day care, Will, and she is very possessive of him. If another child is playing with Will, she gets upset and will bite or hit the other child. One time Will stated that he wasn't her best friend, and she bit him.
We dealt with the biting issue when she was 2 and thought we had conquered it. The hitting has been going on for a while. I have tried taking things away (movies, TV, doll, etc.) to no avail. HELP! --D.G., via e-mail
Dr. Brazelton:
Biting and hitting are indeed ''normal'' in the 2- to 3-year-old age group, though biting especially upsets everybody. Such behavior occurs when the child loses control--when she is angry, jealous, fatigued or overloaded. It diminishes as she develops more control over her emotions.
Before I could really help you, I'd need to know more about your daughter: how you "conquered" the biting at 2, whether or not she makes other friends and is afraid of losing this one, why her "best" friend is so important that she can't stop herself.
Punishing her would add to her frustration, and wouldn't be likely to help her achieve her goal of self-control. Instead, comfort her and say, "Other kids don't like biting and hitting. I'm sure you don't either. Can I help you BEFORE you get so upset?" If she has a suggestion, use it. Having a thumb to suck or a stuffed animal to hug as she begins to get to the blowing-up stage might help.
Rewards are usually more effective than punishments. Praise her and help her to feel proud of herself when she is able to handle challenging encounters with her friends without aggression. But mainly, help her understand her goal of getting these overwhelming feelings under control.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Copyright 2001 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. Distributed by New York Times Special Features