Parents Discipline with Consequences, Build Kids' Self-discipline
One fall morning, my five-year-old, Laura, was dawdling in her bedroom. But she was supposed to be dressing for school. “Laura, get dressed!” I yelled for the umpteenth time. Laura ignored me and continued dawdling; staring into her closet, mumbling to herself, and making no progress.
Oh no! Laura was not dressing herself, and it was partly my fault. Why? I was nagging her but not helping her to obey.
How did I fix this? A consequence. I wanted to help my daughter learn that she was acceptable, but her dawdling behavior was not. So I walked into her bedroom and calmly, firmly (and finally) announced, “Laura, if you aren’t dressed when your bus comes, you’ll have to finish on the bus.” She looked at me with a disbelieving, wide-eyed smirk. But I didn’t nag about it again or check in on her. Several minutes later the squeal of bus brakes could be heard. Then a familiar horn toot. This was Laura’s signal to dart out the door and onto the bus. I wondered if she’d be dressed or not. To my surprise and pleasure, Laura was—except for socks and shoes.
“I’ll put your socks and shoes in this sack so you can finish dressing on the bus,” I said. Then I handed her the sack with the remaining items.
Laura looked at me in disbelief. Barefoot, she shuffled down the driveway toward the bus. Slowly she climbed up the steps and sat down on a seat.
“Have a good day. Love you!” I cheerfully reminded as her bus drove out of sight.
Did I feel shameful? Yes. Did I wonder if I did the right thing? Yes. But the next morning, without a word, Laura dressed herself completely before her bus arrived.
What did my consequence teach her? Lots: to obey me, to do her job, and to own her behavior (self-discipline) or live with an unpleasant outcome.
For Toddler Discipline: Consequences Work
Your consequence can be successful, too, if it is:
- related to the misbehavior
- allowed to happen (no rescuing)
In my situation, the hard part was not helping her finish—after all, it was only shoes and socks. But then she’d learn to dilly-dally because Mom would finish the job.
Every day there are opportunities to calmly direct your child’s behavior. For example, when you want your tot to keep food on the plate you can say, “When you throw food on the floor, you need to pick it up.” Then remove her from her chair to pick up the food.
Or for your budding artist who scribbled on the wall say, “Here’s a rag; wipe off the marks.” Children soon learn that their behavior has an effect. That effect can either be a parent who is unhappy or a child who cleans up after himself and is rewarded with a hug and a smile, and with self-satisfaction.
Rather than begging your preschooler to eat, simply say, “If you don’t eat you’ll get hungry.” Then let nature take its course—without a snack (rescue). When she complains later about being hungry, say, “I know you must be hungry; you can eat when we have dinner.”
Consequences teach your tot to choose the right behavior. Good choices build self-respect and independence.
Be patient: it may take many days and many consequences for some children to learn the rule. Be determined; don’t give in. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Brenda Nixon is a speaker, author, and coach on child behavior and guidance.