The phone again! It's noon. My breathing gets heavy and emotion rises.

Sure enough, it's my son's teacher, with her usual comments about his misbehavior. Talking out. Not waiting his turn in line or failing to keep his hands to himself.

How could such a gentle, bright soul create such concern? What am I missing? I know my son better than anyone else does. He's creative. He smiles and laughs a lot. His fine motor skills are a little behind, but he tries hard. He tests well.

Perhaps a conference with the teacher will help? No progress there except the suggestion I get more involved in school.

So I volunteer. Sure enough, my son wiggles more than others do. Doesn't complete tasks. His printing is well below the other students, but tests of his potential show he is in the 98th percentile. How could he be learning with disabilities!

This was how our journey into attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) special education began. That was 16 years ago and what a journey it has been. The fastest roller coaster is a stroll in a park in comparison.

In those days, children of special needs such as ADHD was not identified easily and were definitely not a school issue. His pediatrician, after watching him for a few minutes, declared that if he did have an attention problem, it was very minor and nothing to worry about it.

So our son started first grade with his usual smile, which quickly faded when he was put in the lowest reading group ("Where the 'dummies' are"). The roller coaster ride was well under way and I had no idea how we would cope or what to expect. At that time, no one seemed to know and no one stepped forward to help. 

Long-Term Effects

My son's attention problem was not minor, we learned later; it was severe. His entire life was affected: academically (he eventually did qualify for special education), socially and in family dynamics. He had brushes with the law, squeaked through high school and had friends with values we knew existed but never dreamed we'd have contact with.

He pushed all the limits with his impulsivity. Two out of three choices he made were inappropriate. His bedroom was a disaster; family chores had to be supervised even during the teen years. Homework rarely got done. He was rarely asked to parties and stayed home too much. He seemed destined to be a social misfit, unable to keep a job or make anything of himself.

Life's lessons never stop, though -- for any of us. I learned early on to cherish the phrase, "We all dance. Different steps, different music, but we all dance." And we all are learning plenty. Our 22-year-old ADHD son and our 27-year-old ADD daughter have taught us much more than we have taught them.

Here are a few life lessons I learned that may help other parents who are just beginning their journey with ADHD:

  • Love unconditionally. What important words -- and the greatest lesson we must learn when dealing with ADHD children. Unconditional love does not mean giving a child everything he wants. (And impulsive ADHD children want everything, now!) It does mean that we work to keep our relationships healthy at all costs. We may not love our child's behavior, but we must always let our kids know we love them and want them to succeed.
  • Be strong. A parent needs to develop a backbone to withstand the constant bombardment, at all ages, of "Can I have ...? Can I go ...? Why, Mommy? What's this? How does this work? I'm hungry. Now! Now! Now!"
  • Be consistent. At least, that's what the experts tell us. My toughest challenge was being consistent with an inconsistent child. We could never depend on him to follow through. When he did, he did his task very well. Getting him to do it was another matter. Inconsistency seems to be the basic nature of people with ADHD. Even my son's best teachers struggled to understand how he could do his work so well one time and not seem to try the next.
  • Don't sweat the small stuff! To keep relationships healthy, prioritize your goals. How important is a clean bedroom? Controlling temper tantrums? Finishing homework? Brushing teeth? Getting laundry to the laundry room? Fighting with siblings? Talking back?
  • Define your purpose. An expert once advised parents to ask, "What is the purpose of the task: To get the job done or to teach responsibility?" If you are you trying to teach responsibility, prepare for a long uphill battle with inconsistent success. If you want to get a job done (like getting to school on time), accept that you will have to stand by and oversee the task from start to finish.
  • Set realistic goals and celebrate success. Continuously train these young people how to be responsible, to be on time, to finish what they start, to meet deadlines, to respect others; but do it by rewarding the successes, not by punishing the failures. Rejoice when it is done right but do not nag, belittle or criticize when it is not.
  • Set high expectations, but keep them flexible. New research shows that young people who continue with ADHD into adulthood can be successful in the real world. It may take a little longer, be more traumatic and pose a bigger challenge for all those involved, but it can happen. Our son is living proof.
  • Be cautious with "real-world" lessons. Grades K-12 are not the times for kids with ADHD to be taught what the "real world" is like. Yes, life has consequences, but parents and teachers should ensure that they are something from which a child can recover. (Consequences are not necessarily punishments).

I remember one sad time when my son failed to complete the final draft of an essay for a local writing competition. The teacher called me one morning to inform me that my son had not turned in the final draft (the rough draft was still in his locker). It was too late to turn it in, she said.

"What a shame; it was wonderful and he would have won an award," she concluded.

This was the life lesson for a boy that had ADHD and a written language disability? What did it teach him? With a little coaching and a timely call to me, he could have had an experience that would have shown him that he could express his ideas well.

Perhaps he would have worked harder to use a word processor and not give up on writing. We'll never know.

My ADHD child is an adult now. His life has been anything but easy for him. He's having his life lessons and has had his share of consequences. He still struggles with consistency and is trying to reach his true potential. (Who, at age 22, is not?)

But he is a bright, compassionate person, respectful of the people he is around and has a solid work ethic. These are values we are most proud of.

We all dance. Different steps, different music, but we all dance.


 

Sue Wallace is a writer in Grand Ledge, Michigan and founder and former leader of an active ADHD parent support group there.