Parenting is a difficult job.Child development stages, especially the toddler stage, can be frustrating. It's important to remember that patient teaching always pays off and that you are the one in charg—most days!
The red-cheeked toddler, in a stroller at the county fair, screams at the top of his lungs. Another child throws herself to the floor of a store, arms and legs flailing.
Some parents wander past, shaking their heads at how bad that child's parent must be. The rest of us, however, have been in the shoes of the frustrated parent staring helplessly at our angry toddler.
We wonder: “What happened to my lovely girl? Is she spoiled? Tired? Does she just need to be disciplined?”
In our family, trips to the store and other outings became less common as our children's tantrums increased. Each of our three children reached the meltdown stage too easily, leaving us frustrated and confused. We were the parents who caused other people to shake their heads. Embarrassed, we were the ones who would hurry through the lines and rush the screaming child out to the car.
What were we doing wrong? Were there family ideas that could help us?
Actually, experts say tantrums are a normal process of growing up. Toddler speech development doesn't let kids at this age express themselves clearly. The way we deal with tantrums is the key to successful parenting. Here are some important things to think about before, during and after a tantrum, to help your child manage his feelings and control his actions.
Tantrum-proof Your Lifestyle
Before the tantrum starts:
- Refuel tiny tanks. A tired, hungry child tends to be cranky. Keep some healthy snacks on hand, like a box of raisins or crackers. Always keep a juice box or water bottle handy when you are on the go. Limit your errands according to how much your child can stand before nap time.
- Bend and stretch. Sitting in the car seat or stroller for hours can make any child fussy. Find a place where you and your child can roam around a bit before getting back in the car seat or stroller.
- Ban the bad stuff. Some children become fussy if they are sensitive to certain foods, like chocolate or sugar, or bright colors in juice. Stick with natural juices without additives like color, preservatives or sugar. Instead of sugary treats, offer raisins, dates or dried fruits.
- Set limits ahead of time. Once our children were about 2 years old, they could understand some limits. Before going into a store I would tell them, “We are not here to buy toys; we're here to buy groceries. Don't ask me for candy or toys today.” Sometimes I was not above bargaining with my children: “If you are nice in the store and there are no tantrums, we will get a doughnut when we check out.”
Master the Moment
During the tantrum:
- Distract your child. If your child throws a tantrum because you've said “no” to something he wants, offering an alternative might stop the screams. For example, if he wants a cookie before lunch, offer a few apple slices instead. At the store, give him something to do with his hands or his eyes. My daughter liked to hold coupons and pretend to read the words and pictures while we shopped. I told her how helpful she was -- it made her feel important to help mommy! My sons liked to sing songs as we shopped.
- Ignore it. Giving a tantrum too much attention just makes it worse. If your child is on the floor kicking and screaming, step over her and go to another room. Usually tantrums quiet down when there is no audience! My children tried to follow me from room to room to have their tantrums, but I would tightly close a bedroom door until things quieted down. It didn't take long! Just make sure they are in a safe place while they kick and scream.
- Remove the child from the situation. If I was in the middle of shopping and could leave my cart, I would often take the child out to the car, strap him in his car seat and tell him that I would wait for him to stop screaming. With the door closed (or partially open during warm weather), I would stand with my back to the car where he could see me. But I didn't watch -- again, no need to give him an audience. When he stopped, we continued our shopping.
- Stand firm. Never give in to the tantrum. Giving in teaches him he can throw tantrums to get what he wants.
- Stay calm and set a good example. Never throw a tantrum yourself. Showing self control when you are angry and embarrassed is the hardest part of parenting. Your child is watching to see how to act when something upsets you. Besides, giving in to the anger and yelling only makes the tantrum worse for both of you. If you need to, walk away and take some deep breaths. (Don't walk more than a few feet if you are in a public place).
Take Time to Teach
After the storm:
- Talk it out. Once your child is calm, talk about the tantrum. Stress that you love him, but you did not love the way he acted. Try saying, “We don't scream like that in the store. Use words to tell mommy what you want.”
- Prepare for the future. Use the tantrum to teach about limits. Talk about which behaviors are OK and which are not. Offer ideas on what to do the next time you go to the store, asking for his own ideas about how he could control his emotions and his actions: “Next time we go to the store, and mommy says you can't have a treat, what will you do?” Then you can remind him what you talked about as you head to the store the next time. Praise him for good behavior.
Parenting is a difficult job. Children, especially toddlers, can be frustrating. It's important to remember that patience always pays off and that you are the one in charge … for now. After all, your number one job is to train that child to be a responsible parent himself some day!
Shaunna Howat is the mother of three children in Milford, Ohio.