Four-year-old Sean was in his third month of preschool when the girls in his class started rejecting his requests to play with them.
Sean wanted to be the daddy when they played house, but the girls weren’t interested. They told him that he should play blocks and cars with the only other boy in the class. Trouble was, he didn’t want to play with Sean either. Sean threw tantrums, sometimes even hurling objects at the girls.
Sean’s mother spoke to the preschool teacher. The teacher then spoke to the girls about not excluding classmates, but they still refused to let Sean play with them. Sean’s mother ended up placing him in another class at the preschool and then in another preschool altogether.
Being left out is a normal part of child development stages. Fortunately, there's recent child development research that has solutions for parents concerned about child social development.
Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey and author of 12 books on parenting and family relations, suggests taking the following four actions:
- Find out what the problem is; perhaps it lies with your child. If your child is being left out at school, meet with the teacher to see if she has any insights. If your child is not sharing, explain to him why it’s an obstacle to making friends and what the consequences are in terms of other children wanting to play with him. Ask how he would feel if every time Lance got the ball, he held on to it and wouldn’t give others a turn? What if someone hit him or said unkind things? Use examples that are at the child’s level and use names of real classmates to illustrate.
- If your child has habits that turn others off, work on improving her behavior or attitude. Point out unpleasant behaviors in other preschoolers when you see them, like a child whining, fighting over a toy or not taking turns. Seeing others behave poorly will eventually get the message across. Be sure you are not setting a bad example for your child; you are your child’s role model after all. A straightforward explanation about what is wrong with the behavior and why it turns people away is a positive beginning to correcting the habit. Chances are a child who stomps and cries when she doesn’t get her way with her friends is doing the same at home. Stand firm and stop giving in to her attempt to control. You can say, “Friends will not play with you if you act this way.”
- Show your child how much you love her by spending extra time with her. An afternoon at the movies, playing catch or riding bicycles together will help her feel special. Special times don’t need to cost money. Newman suggests a simple activity like turning up the music and dancing together or singing off key at the top of your lungs.
- When your child gets left out of neighborhood play, try to distract him by engaging him in a favorite activity. This could be anything from painting a picture to visiting a relative. Just offer your undivided attention. Look for groups that will welcome your child. Sign him up for a “moms and tots” art class or a pee wee soccer league. Group lessons like dance, gymnastics or story time at the local library provide the chance to make new friends and become part of a group.
Being left out is something all children experience at one time or another. Though some adjust and breeze through this socially painful time, others need help.
Knowing what’s going on in your child’s life, showering him with love and keeping the lines of communication open will help this stage pass quickly and leave fewer scars.
Heidi Hoff writes from British Columbia, Canada.