Paul came in the back door, slammed it hard, and threw his books down on the kitchen table. "Good heavens!" said his mom, looking over at him from the sink. Paul plopped into a chair and put his head down on his arms. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Andrew called me a dork again. I hate Andrew!" he yelled.

An eight-year-old's problems may seem small, but good communication in the early years lays the foundation for good communication later on when problems get bigger. Good communication also helps your child develop a positive self-image, trust, and problem-solving abilities. How Paul's mother listens and responds in this situation is very important. Her parenting skills now will affect the child-parent relationships later.

How Would You Help?

Here are five common responses Paul's mom might make: 

  1. "Good grief Paul, why do you let what Andrew says bother you?" 
  2. "You know you don't hate Andrew. You shouldn't say that." 
  3. "I know you're upset, but we'll have to talk about it later. Company's coming and I've got my hands full. Get yourself a snack, and we'll talk about Andrew later."
  4. "I know you're upset, but that doesn't mean you can slam doors and throw books around." 
  5. "This is ridiculous. Why does he keep calling you names? I'm going to call his mother. She needs to talk to him."

Parental Issues: What Message do You Send?

Each of these responses sends a message to Paul. And each is likely to affect him in a different way. 

  1. When Mom says, "Why do you let Andrew bother you?" she's telling Paul his problems are too insignificant to care about. Denying that Paul has a problem doesn't make the problem go away. But this reaction may influence how willing he is to tell her about his next problem. And it may undermine his willingness to trust his feelings and express them.
  2. When Mom says, "You don't hate Andrew. You shouldn't say that," she's telling Paul that he doesn't feel that way and he should be ashamed of saying he does. This also denies Paul's feelings and adds another element-—guilt.
  3. When Mom says, "I know you're upset, get a snack, and we'll talk later," she's telling Paul that his problem is not as important as her schedule, and he should think about something else. Postponing and distracting him minimizes the importance of his distress.
  4. When Mom says, "I know you're upset, but that doesn't mean you can slam doors and throw books," she's telling Paul that his bad behavior is more important than his hurt. This response also minimizes the importance of his feelings and makes him feel guilty.
  5. When Mom says, "I'm going to call his mother," she's telling Paul that she will fix it for him. This robs Paul of an opportunity to work on his problem-solving skills.

These responses are not likely to lead to effective family communication. Nor are they likely to promote a good self-image, trust, problem-solving abilities, or healthy communication skills.

Try H-E-A-L-T-H-Y Listening Instead

H-E-A-L-T-H-Y listening involves showing love, understanding, and concern before any attempt to resolve your child's problem. And this technique need not require a lot of time. H-E-A-L-T-H-Y listening involves seven steps that parents can use when listening to their children.

H-Hugs. Comfort him physically with a hug, kiss or pat.

E-Empathy. Show with words and facial expressions that you understand his feelings.

A-Attention. Make it clear that you are focused on him. Get down to his level, lean toward him, and make eye contact.

L-Listening. Listen to what he is saying both with words and body language.

T-Time. Give him time to tell his story and to talk about his feelings.

H-Hearing the meaning. Show him you understand what he is saying: paraphrase, nod, make affirmative sounds. Ask him to clarify anything you don't understand.

Y-Yielding. Yield to his need. Put other concerns aside for these few minutes.

By practicing H-E-A-L-T-H-Y listening, Paul's mother lets him know that he is loved, that his words and feelings are important, and that she takes what he is saying seriously. After building this framework of love and understanding, she has several options: 

  • If slamming the door and throwing books on the table is unacceptable, at some point she should remind Paul to use words to tell how upset he is. 
  • If she has time, she can explore with him right then ideas for dealing with his problem. They can discuss when and under what conditions Andrew usually calls him names and how Paul responds. They can talk about his overall relationship with Andrew and how it might be improved. Paul's mom can help him come up with ideas of his own about solving his problem. 
  • If she does not have time right then, she can tell him they will talk more later, preferably naming a specific time. Having a chance to vent his feelings and feel comforted makes it easier for him to wait to continue their talk. In fact, love, understanding, and concern may be all he needs at this time. When they talk again, he may have come to a solution on his own. He may have decided to accept the situation. Or he may be able to talk with her more calmly about ways to deal with his problem.

Once Paul has vented his distress and feels a little better, she might try directing him to another activity. It may be a relief for him to move away from the problem for a while.

H-E-A-L-T-H-Y Listening Dialogue

What would a H-E-A-L-T-H-Y listening response look like and how might Paul respond? Let's imagine.

Paul's mother went over, hugged him, and said, "You must really be upset." She pulled out a chair and sat down. "Tell me what happened." As he talked, she bent toward him, looked into his eyes and patted his knee. She nodded, shook her head and said, "Oh dear," several times. When he had finished his story, she said, "I know that made you feel so bad" and hugged him again.

"Well, honey, we need to talk about what to do about Andrew, don't we? Tell you what. You go get your face washed and come back and get a snack. You remember the Abbotts are coming for supper? Let's talk about this again after they leave, OK? We'll have lots of time then. You look like you feel better—are you OK for now?"

Paul nodded and stood up, gathered his books, and headed upstairs. He knew that his feelings were okay, that it was all right to express them, and that his mother understood. He knew that later she would help him look for a solution to his problem. 

 

Glenda R. Slater is a speech/language pathologist who serves the Capital Area Literacy Coalition (LVA-CALC) as a consultant for family literacy and communication.