Want more respect from your teen? Show it. To your teen, your spouse, your community, and to yourself. You can’t force someone to respect you, but you do have the right to be treated with respect, but only if you model it every day. It’s not hard, just:
Be honest – If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
Obey the law, follow the rules – Some rules are dumb and most are inconvenient. You don’t have to follow the rules… unless you want your kids to.
Observe poor role models – When you see examples of disrespect, point them out and discuss them. Ask your teen how she might have handled the situation.
Walk the talk – If you have to tell a joke about someone’s religion, culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, or politics, tell it on yourself. That way, you know you’ll only be offending one person.
Be positive – When you see your teen showing respect—to you, another family member, her friends, or even a stranger—praise her.
Be gentle – Teenagers are highly sensitive to criticism. Don’t embarrass, insult, or make fun of your child – especially in front of others.
Be fair – Listen carefully to your child’s side of the story. There may be a good reason why he behaved the way he did.
Loosen the reins– Start adding a few new rights and responsibilities a little before you feel ready to do so; your teen has probably been ready for some time. If he doesn’t handle the new freedom, let him face the consequences.
Learn to compromise – Go clothes shopping together so you can see what styles your teen likes. Let her know from the beginning what is appropriate without insulting her taste, and find opportunities to compromise.
Still not sure you are modeling respect for your kids? Scroll down to take our quick Respect Assessment and find out.
Respect Assessment: How Respectful am I?
1. Regardless of who I’m talking to, when I make a mistake, I admit it and apologize:
a. Always
b. Sometimes
c. Rarely
2. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I:
a. Roll my eyes but say nothing
b. Honk and flash my headlights
c. Cut them off at the next opportunity
3. I drive the speed limit:
a. Most of the time
b. Around town
c. I drive as fast as I want to
4. When a politician I don’t agree with comes on the TV, I:
a. Listen without comment
b. Shut it off
c. Call her derogatory names/belittle her opinions
5. When my spouse makes a mistake, I
a. Make a point to talk to him about it later, in private
b. Make a joke about it so he won’t take it too seriously
c. Call attention to it immediately, no matter who is there. He has to learn somehow
6. When I see my teen showing respect to others (her friends, strangers, her siblings) I:
a. Praise her in front of others
b. Praise her later, if I remember
c. Say nothing: I expect her to be respectful to everyone
7. When my teen shows disrespect to me or someone else in public, I:
a. Make a point to talk to her about it later, in private
b. Scold her right then and there
c. Say nothing and let it go
Give yourself 2 points for every question you answered with an “a;” 1 point for every “b” answer, and 0 points for every “c” answer.
Scoring: 11-14 points –You are providing a good role model for your kids. It’s hard work, but it will pay off. 6-10 points – You are doing pretty well, but try to bring your score up 2-4 points and watch to see if it makes a difference in your kids’ behavior. 0-5 points – Read the rest of this EduGuide for specific tips on how to demonstrate respect to your children and your community—and get more respect for yourself.
Sources
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, F. Cline and J. Fay;
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson ,director of the Univ. of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium