We can all recall a time when some small, bratty child acted up, talked back to his parents or was just plain rude in public. We've all shaken our heads wondering, "What kind of parents does this kid have?"

The answer is not always what we think. Some of the rudest children have loving, polite parents. So why the missing link from generation to generation? No one knows for sure, but experts point to a society where the number of single parents is higher than ever and so many families require a two-paycheck income.

It seems that teaching kids manners is less about disinterested parents and more about lack of time, which makes it hard to restrict, correct or reinforce children's behavior.

Shifting Standards in Child Social Development

Just as our society's definition of "style" has changed, so too has our definition of "polite." Raising polite kids today is not so much about putting your napkin on your lap as it is about sharing, cooperation, and consideration of others.

Here are five basic strategies for guiding children down the path of graciousness, without enrolling them in etiquette class. None require extensive blocks of time, and the long-term effects may be just what you need to raise polite children. 

  1. Communicate with your kids. How can you expect to raise a polite child in a decade where the rude and obnoxious antics of Beavis and Butthead leave children of all ages in stitches? Sure, keeping them from watching television would help. But that's not an option everyone wants to take. Editing which programs kids watch will help--but unfortunately, when so many families have both parents working, this is not always possible. A logical alternative? Talk to your kids. Teach them that what they see on television is for entertainment, and not to be taken as "real life." Jancy Bueckers of Austin, Texas learned that the importance of communication begins early, as with her 2-year-old daughter, Destiny.

    "One day I was explaining to her why she had to stay in her car seat. She looked right at me and said, 'Shut up, Mommy!' I was shocked, and confused, as my husband and I never use that phrase. About a week later she was watching the cartoon movie Toy Story when I heard the main character say ‘shut up.’ I wasn't about to ban cartoons from our home, but it did force me to take a more active approach to discussing what is okay to repeat and what is not." 

  2. Eat together. Dining together is as much about sharing your day as sharing a meal. It's a time for parents to pass on their "family values" without lecturing or preaching. Without even trying, the traditional family meal teaches children about communicating and sharing with others, taking turns, cooperating and the importance of family commitments.

    "Running my own business is hard enough," says Marilyn Dunn of Southold, New York, "but factor in soccer practice, gymnastics class, and softball games; sometimes I feel like I never see my kids. Dinner is the one time that we commit to being together. It's a time to share what each of us has experienced that day. Preparing the meal is usually pretty hectic, but it's worth it to have the time with them."

  3. Set a good example. Much of a child's personality comes from his parents. It's important for parents to set ground rules by which they themselves abide. "Do As I Say And As I Do" is the good approach to teaching children how to be polite. Always treat others with kindness and consideration. More specifically, practice saying "please," "thank you," and "you're welcome." Teach children to practice common courtesy by writing thank-you notes for gifts, thoughtful letters to friends and relatives, and remembering birthdays, holidays and those who are hospitalized or ill. Also, be cautious what words and phrases you use around your children. They are like sponges, soaking up what they hear, repeating it at the most inopportune times. 
  1. Praise your child for being polite. Positive reinforcement will help your child learn the behaviors you value. Praise a child for acts of kindness. A simple recognition helps reinforce a belief that he did the "right thing."

    Howard Phillips of Colorado Springs, Colorado recalls the time when his 5-year-old daughter, Marissa, found a broken plastic flower on the floor at a chain department store. "When we approached the check-out, she held the stemless, trampled flower up to the cashier and said 'I found this on the floor. Can I keep it?' The clerk said 'yes' and I told Marissa that I was very proud of her for turning it in. She looked up at me and said, 'Well, I didn't want to just take it. It's not mine!' I was so proud to know that we had brought her up to be honest and polite." 

  2. Set boundaries. Learn to avoid putting your child on the defensive. Correct the behavior rather than the child. Instead of saying, "You have such a foul mouth. Stop using those words," remind him, "We don't use language like that in this house." This will let him know that he is displaying rude behavior, without using put-downs or demeaning the child.

Force-feeding manners to children may not be your style, but good manners should still be expected. In a world where many jobs rely on "people skills," raising your children to be polite may gain them more than just a pat on the back as adults. And although they may not recognize their parents' efforts now, as they mature into well-rounded, considerate individuals, your children may surprise you. When you least expect it, they may give you one of the greatest gifts a parent can receive: a gracious, sincere, polite, "Thanks, Mom and Dad."