The good news is that parents can brush up on their own skills as they teach their children about manners and graciousness.

Children's birthday parties and holidays offer excellent opportunities for modeling and coaching social skills, especially for young ones who learn better through social exchange than through lectures and rules. Furthermore, practicing good manners actually makes the party more fun. Here are some ways to ensure that your child's birthday party is a success and that he shows good manners - whether he is a party guest or the guest of honor.

Know Your Child

Plan the party around your child's interests and personality. If your son is shy, a large party might overwhelm him and you. If he likes sports and physical play, select an outdoors or sports theme. If he likes reading and quiet games, a science activity or treasure hunt might be more suitable.

The best way to learn what your child wants is to ask. All too often we parents design parties around what we think our children want. All manners of mishaps can be avoided if you simply ask children what they want to do for their birthdays, and scale the party accordingly. Obviously, most of us cannot host a circus or fair in our backyard, but we can create a mini-fair--complete with games, clowns, balloons and pony rides--if that is what our child wants. Children are more likely to be well behaved when the situation or party suits their personality. Thus, entertaining the child in the fashion in which they wish to be entertained will result in better manners from the birthday child.

Plan Together

Children are generally happier and better behaved at events they have helped to plan. Let your son help design the menu and choose napkins and party favors. He can help send out the invitations and clean and decorate the house. This allows him to appreciate the effort involved and see his role as party host. The child's participation prior to and on the party day will make things go more smoothly.

Greeting Guests

The birthday child should greet friends and party guests at the door, take their gifts and show them politely to where the party is taking place. If this is not possible, the birthday child should, at a minimum, greet each guest at the party area and place the gifts on the gift table. Of course, you want your child to have lots of fun, but in order to start the party off with the right message of etiquette and manners, you should request that your child greet his guests when they arrive. Many parents accept responsibility for this task themselves, but it is better if the birthday child does the greeting. You may need to call your child over from the "fun" when each friend arrives, but when guests are personally welcomed to the party, they will feel more like a part of the group.

Guest Behavior

Parents should ask the children, upon arrival, to please use inside voices and behavior (if inside) and to remember to treat the other guests politely. This will introduce proper behavior to each guest as they arrive. Have them sit while they eat, making cleanup easier and helping reinforce the etiquette of eating politely. Make sure each child uses her napkin and asks for things to be passed instead of reaching. This can be tricky when ten or more hungry children are anxiously awaiting pizza, burgers, cake and ice cream. Make sure the birthday boy knows beforehand to use polite table manners--this will help the other children be polite as well.

Don't Overdo

Stretching children's stamina is a sure-fire way to cause a meltdown. Keep activities for toddlers simple and short. An hour to 1 1/2 hours is ample time for this age group, who are at their best in the morning hours. School age children can easily handle 2 to 2 1/2 hours and a greater variety of activities. Set limits on the guest list. One rule of thumb is to match the number of partygoers to the birthday child's age.

Party Fun Time

When it is time for the birthday activities to begin, call the children to a neutral area to sit and listen to instructions or to line up for the activity. It is difficult to go over rules and safety when children are squealing and running around. Make sure you or the host facility carefully explain the rules and proper behavior during the activity to the children. This will make accidents less likely to occur.

Likewise, before your child attends a birthday party, discuss with him proper ways to listen and behave during instruction time.

Present Opening

If at all possible, save present opening until later when the birthday child can actually enjoy the gifts. I know from personal experience that opening presents in front of guests increases the risk of chaos and bad behavior, especially in younger children. Nine times out of ten, the guests end up wanting to play with the birthday child's toys, which the birthday child stubbornly refuses to share. This immediately turns a well-mannered party into an etiquette nightmare. If you decide to open presents at the party, make sure the presents are not ripped into and quickly thrown to the side. Have the birthday child acknowledge each gift and the person who brought it. If a gift giver is no longer at the party or could not attend, open his or her present after the other guests have gone home.

When the Party's Over

Don't do your child's social work for him. At the end of the party, the birthday child should help pass out party favors and say "good-bye" and "thank you" to each friend. Make sure he knows you expect him to thank his friends for coming and for the gifts they brought. This will make the guests feel special too.

If your child is a party guest, keep in mind that it can be very difficult to retrieve a child from party fun. Talk with him before the party about what to do when the festivities are over. He should be prepared to leave when the specified time is over, and he should thank the birthday child and his or her parents for inviting him.

Writing Thank You Notes

Don't forget the thank you notes! Your child might not be old enough to write, but encourage her to play a part in writing and sending out the thank you notes. This will teach behavior that, if reinforced every year, will soon lead to the child automatically wanting to send thank you notes. Let your toddler scribble her name in crayon on the bottom of the note, or let your child hand carry them to the post office or to your mail box and put the flag up. Say aloud the items for which you are thanking each partygoer. Make sure you thank even those who couldn't attend the party.

Birthday celebrations are meant to honor a child's special place in the family and in his or her circle of friends. But they can create a lot of work and anxiety. Some parents avoid the anxiety altogether, opting instead to celebrate with simple family rituals, such as a special homemade dinner. However you and your child choose to celebrate his birthday, things will go more smoothly if you have a well-mannered child. 

 

Jennifer Hartman is a freelance writer living in North Carolina. She has been published in many children's magazines and newspapers as well as women's health magazines.

This article was first published in "Carolina Parent Magazine," Raleigh, North Carolina.