As I peeked again through the window of my daughter's preschool classroom, my heart sank. I could no longer avoid it: Something was wrong.

Alicia never had been outgoing. But she certainly had joined in the usual preschooler activities and interacted normally with the rest of her 4-year-old friends in her morning program. She had painted, played games, gone outside, laughed and studied letters with her little friends. She was particularly close to two children and played with them every day.

She also was very bright, able to handle most tasks, and free of any physical problems. Throw in a couple of loving — okay, make that adoring — parents, and her life should have been about perfect, right?

Shy Children: Behaviors, Withdrawal Can Set Off Alarm Bells

So why, I wondered as I checked for the third or fourth day, was she playing as if there was no one else in the room? She was in her own world, stacking blocks, acting out her own silent stories, avoiding contact with others nearby. Her sudden retreat from interaction had come on suddenly, and seemingly without warning.

I did what most parents should do, and asked her teacher, a loving and experienced educator. She tried to alleviate my parent stress. She said that I shouldn’t worry because Alicia seemed happy in her own world for the time being.

Another parent also told me not to panic. “By the time I start to really worry about something my kids do, whatever phase they are in has passed,” he said.

An anxious first-time mother, I couldn’t hear those words. I tried to ask Alicia if anything was wrong, but she was just 4. If anything disturbing was going on, she could neither identify nor describe it. Her caregiver, Dot, who watched her in our home afternoons, noticed no change on the home front. Alicia was the same happy kid who adored Dot and loved her life at home.

Why was Alicia self-imposing this isolation? And what should I do about it?

For Each Child, Social Development Takes Its Own Path

I stewed another few days, wondering if I should call a psychologist. And just as I was about to do so, Alicia suddenly became her more social self at school. It was as my fellow parent had said: When my worry reached its high point, prompting me to consider getting help, the “crisis” had passed. The time span of my daughter’s retreat into herself had been just five or six weeks. It had felt like six months.

I learned only much later the most likely reason for Alicia’s behavior: She was an introvert — someone who prefers to keep to herself. The years, in fact, have shown this to be true. She has illustrated nearly every quality of the typical introvert, and she’s as normal and happy as anyone.

Parent Stress, Like Stress in Children, is Normal

I also learned something about myself and about parenting. I learned that kids go through phases, which is normal. But as a parent, I must not panic or go through the phase with my child. Parents must step back and recognize that children have moods, that they face life just like everyone else, and that parents can best help their children by just being there.

Sure, if Alicia’s phase had lasted much longer, or had impacted her friendships seriously, it would have been time to talk to my doctor or a psychologist. I learned that sometimes, when it comes to kids, all you can do is learn who they are and try not to get too worried, too fast.

 

Sheryl James is a former EduGuide editor from Brighton, Michigan.