Parents' Issues: I Never Thought I'd Be a Runaway Mom

"Deb, are you awake?" I asked into the telephone receiver. I heard my sister grumble on the other end of the line. "Please take the colic baby," I pleaded.

"Just (yawn) give me another hour."

"I need to bring the baby over now, before I lose it!"

I'll never forget that morning. I'm sure I wouldn't have hurt my colicky first-born, but at that moment I was willing to consider anything that would make that crying stop--even running away.

For years I thought my desires to go somewhere, anywhere, alone made me a bad mom. Then I learned that every mom feels this parents' issue occasionally. It's normal to want to escape colic babies, but there are things that new mothers can do to ease those feelings and cope better at home.

Recognize Your Limits

• Take a Mommy time-out. When you reach the boiling point, it’s important to find ways to let off steam. Learn to recognize your own danger signals. When you feel the tension building up inside of you, it’s time to take a break. Place your child in a safe place--usually his crib or playpen. (This method won't work if he has learned to climb out.) Once he is secure, go into another room and breathe.If you can't drown out his cries, go into the bathroom and run the shower for a few minutes. After you have calmed down, you can then attend to his needs.

• Ask for help. You're not admitting defeat by asking someone to sit with the baby while you take a shower or go for a walk. Turn to someone you trust. Consider asking a close relative, your next-door neighbor, or a veteran mother at church. Although you may feel that it would be an inconvenience to the person you choose, she would probably welcome the chance to spend some time with your little one. Besides, an afternoon with a defiant two-year-old or a colicky baby isn't nearly as rough as having to endure it day after day. A short break will give you the strength you need to go back into the trenches.

Take Care of Yourself

• Find time alone. The best way to avoid becoming overwhelmed is to incorporate time for yourself in your daily schedule. Mothers must take care of their needs, too. 
• Let housework take a back seat. Instead of washing those dishes while the baby naps, make yourself a cup of coffee or tea, sit down and relax. Read the morning paper, or your favorite book or magazine. It's okay--housework can wait. Besides, at the end of the day, the house will look just as messy as it did before you started. This way, at least you'll be sane. 
• Move up your Toddler's bed time. Changes to and from daylight savings time in the fall and spring offer a great window of opportunity for schedule shuffling. Use the extra time to connect with your husband and to relax. 
• Take a walk around the block before your spouse leaves for work in the morning. 
• Hand two-year-old Jimmy to your husband, and escape to the mall. Enjoy a decadent dessert--no little bites to share--no chocolate hand prints on your blouse.

Recruit Spousal Support

Your spouse is your best ally. He can take off some of the pressure. 

• Talk to your husband about your needs and frustrations. Let him know how he can help. Don't forget to listen to his needs, too. Fathers also make compromises--especially when it comes to Mom's time. 
• Make time for you and your mate. Spending timealone with your husband will likely ease his frustrations and give you a chance to stay in touch with each other as individuals. Dates with your spouse needn't be expensive--a trip to the ice-cream parlor or a walk around the block can be meaningful time together. Turn to those trusted individuals for help here, as well.
• Give your spouse time alone with your child. How many times have your heard another mother say: "My husband is babysitting today?" Contrary to popular belief, dads don't babysit; they spend time with their children.

Find Outside Support

As hard as it is to believe sometimes, other moms in the community feel just as you do. They reach their limits; they break down and yell at their Toddlers; they want to go to the Bahamas and never come back. Where can you find these mothers?

• Look for the organized mothers’ groups that are available in your community. Start by asking your pediatrician's office for a referral. Ask your pastor or church leader. Many congregations have a mothers’ support group to help moms like you. Ask the woman with school-age children down the street. Other resources include your local elementary school, the public library, and bulletin boards in stores where you shop. Also check the community pages of your local newspaper. And don't forget the parenting resources outlined in this publication. Some groups that may have chapters in your area include Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS), The Mother's Center, and FEMALE (Formerly Employed Mothers at the Leading Edge).

• Take your child to the nearby playground. There you will find other mothers who understand your situation. 
• Go to fast food restaurants that have an indoor playground. They may be the best marketing tool to hit the fast-food industry, but they are also a life-saver for moms and tots, especially in the winter months. 
• Hang out in the children's section of your local library. Even if your child is too young to appreciate the books around him, he may enjoy story-time, or that collection of board books. You will enjoy the chance to meet other mothers. 
• Find an organized playgroup. Playgroups consist of a group of mothers who take turns hosting a weekly or monthly gathering at their homes. The kids play together while the moms chat. 
• Organize a playgroup at your home. If you can't find a playgroup in your area, start one. Post a notice at the doctor's office, in the supermarket, on bulletin boards, or around your neighborhood. 
• Step away from the edge. If these strategies fail to make a difference, and you are still feeling unhappy and frustrated, you may need outside intervention. 
• Seek professional help. Some women suffer from an imbalance of hormones after birth resulting in Post Partum Depression. If you cannot shake the Depression or anger, call your doctor. She can help you put your life back together again, or she will refer you to someone who can.

This, Too, Shall Pass

The most important thing for you to remember is that you are not alone. Support is as close as a phone call away. Although time seems to creep along in the early years, all too soon, that child will be "toddling" off to school and then walking down the aisle. Then, you will find yourself yearning for chubby hugs and slobbery kisses. Revel in the good times. By taking care of yourself, and developing support networks, you can better appreciate your time with your child.

Lynn Dean is the mother of three school-age children. She would like to acknowledge the support of her sister, husband, and MOPS for keeping her sane in those early years.