Your teenage daughter has just called you a "lazy slob" in front of her friends. Your teenage son walks out of the room every time you try to have a conversation about his drinking. You’re so mad you could scream. Welcome to the world of adolescent parenting.
Getting mad is perfectly normal, but it won’t get you what you want. Even if your teenager's behavior causes you to lose your temper—and you probably will—you can still control the situation. Here’s how:
Buy Yourself Some Time
Engage is some activities to relieve parent stress. Take a deep breath. Walk away if you have to, until you can speak and act calmly. Despite how they might act, teens don’t like it when they can’t get our attention, positive or negative.
Restate the Ground Rules
Calmly and without shame, remind her of the family rules for respectful interaction. For tips on how to create a Family Respect Agreement, see EduGuide ShortCut: How to Hold a Family Summit on Respect.
Ask for a “Re-run”
Ask her if she’d like a “re-run”—agree that she can start over again as though the unacceptable behavior never happened. A re-run gives her a second chance to act the way she knows she should. As a parent, you are entitled to a “re-run” (or two) yourself.
Listen…and Watch What Happens
More than anything, a kid wants his voice to be heard. Some kids find a face-to-face confrontation uncomfortable—so, if they are still mad, suggest taking a walk or doing an active chore together. Then wait. Don’t interrupt and don’t set the discussion topic. You may be amazed at how much he might say, if you can keep quiet.
Know Your Own Strength
Don’t ignore the behavior (it will get worse), but don’t give a teen an order or insist on a punishment that you can’t physically enforce. Nothing kills respect faster than an empty threat. Nothing, except failing to…
Respect Yourself to Gain Your Teen's Respect
You can’t expect your kid to respect you if you let others treat you disrespectfully.
"As teenagers move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a parent, you have a responsibility to help your teenager practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude."
--Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson
Sources
Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the Univ. of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium